butt dial
by Cupid.Esque
Summary: AU. You can always count on Naruto to inspire homicidal thoughts.


Butt Dial.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, oh _hells_ no.

Crackish with a lovely dab of RATED M.

AU. You can always count on Naruto to inspire homicidal thoughts through texting.

**11:09 PM**

**INCOMING CALL: THE BASTARD**

Accept/Ignore/Silence

…

…

**11:09 PM**

**INCOMING CALL: THE BASTARD**

**Accept**/Ignore/Silence

…

…

"Yo, QueenPrissBitch, What's up?"

…

…

"_S-Sasuke_-kunnn! Yes! God, right there-_oohh_."

"Shit, _Sakura…fuck, _you feel so tight-"

"_Harder_!"

"Shit, I'm gonna.."

"Pull OUT! _Now_!"

"God, that was..."

"Yeah…just wow."

"Sakura…I love you."

"I love you too Sasuke-kun...now, can we…try…six-"

**YOU HAVE ENDED CALL AT 11:17 PM**

…

…

**3:45 PM**

**RamenIsJesus** _to _**UchihaS: **

Hey Prissy, you're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?

…

…

**3:47 PM**

**UchihaS **_to_** RamenIsJesus: **

What the hell? A little early for smoking pot, isn't it Dobe?

…

…

**3:48 PM**

**RamenIsJesus** _to _**UchihaS: **

Oh, Miss Uchiha, you are such a riot.

Hey! Hey! Hey! GUESS THE FUCK WHAT. :D

…

…

**3:53 PM**

**RamenIsJesus** _to _**UchihaS: **

SASUCERS. Don't ignore me!

This is muy importante! Stop being a pansy, you girl, text back.

…

…

**3:57 PM**

**RamenIsJesus** _to _**UchihaS: **

Since you're a complete PRISS, I'm going to tell you ANYWAY.

Dude.

I saw Sakura-chan working out earlier today.

She's really good on _balls._

…

…

**4:02 PM**

**RamenIsJesus** _to _**Pinkette:**

Sakura-chan!

…

…

**4:03 PM**

**Pinkette** _to_**RamenIsJesus: **

I'm kind of at the hospital right now, Naruto. Is this important?

…

…

**4:05 PM**

**RamenIsJesus** _to _**Pinkette:**

Sakura-chan you're so sweet and kind to be helping the sickly! Well_ yes_ it is very important.

YOU SEE, SAKURA-CHAN, IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SASUKE-BITCH IS BAD AT CALCULUS. HE REQUIRES YOUR HELP, EVEN THOUGH THE LITTLE SCHOOL GIRL WON'T ADMIT TO IT.

_THUS_, BEING THE GREAT FRIEND THAT _I AM_, AM GOING TO ASK THE QUESTION THAT HAS HIS LACY PANTIES IN A TWIST.

Can you integrate his natural log?

…

…

**4:06 PM**

**Pinkette** _to_**RamenIsJesus: **

Um.

I'm not quite, uh, sure, about that one. Sorry.

…

…

**4:07 PM**

**RamenIsJesus**_ to_ **Pinkette:**

OH REALLY, SAKURA-CHAN? BECAUSE HE KNEW IF ANYONE COULD ANSWER IT, IT WOULD BE _YOU._

WELL, THEN, ARE YOU COULD AT PROBABILITIES? SASUKE WANTS TO KNOW IF HE FLIPS A COIN, WHAT ARE HIS CHANCES OF GETTING HEAD?

…

…

**4:12 PM**

**RamenIsJesus **_to_** QueenIno, Ten-10, SandDancer1, Tr0ublesom3, VictemofLove, PuppetsAren'tCreepy, HyuugaN, HyuugaH, UchihaI, YOSHLEE, Blonde'n'Charge, BeMasked, Artiste, FoodBoss, Bugz4Ever, SuigetsuLikesBoobies, KarinIsACutay… :**

PEOPLE OF KONOHA,

A SCANDALOUS PIECE OF NEWS/GOSSIP HAS _ERUPTED_ (bahahaha.) :

**SAKURA HARUNO AND SASUKE UCHIHA HAVE BANGED AND ARE GOING TO ELOPE.**

BUT THEY'RE DOING IT SECRETLY, SO SHUSH, DON'T TELL ANYONE.

Karin: Take this as your queue to leave, you goddamn wannabe-slore, WHO CAN'T SEEM TO FIND ANYONE, _LET ALONE SASUKE (_I MEAN, HE GETS TO BANG SAKURA-CHAN NOW WHY WOULD HE NEED LOOK AT ANY OTHER GIRL, LET ALONE **YOU**_.)_, TO TOUCH YOU. That's right, bitch. Go jump into a volcano or something.

PS: He told her he loved her.

PEOPLE. WE HAVE A WEDDING TO PLAN.

….AND IF HE HURTS HER, A HOMICIDE.

…

…

**4:15 PM**

**RamenIsJesus **_to _**Pinkette, UchihaS:**

Sakura-chan, Bastard;

I know about you having sexual affairs, and maybe even a _relationship.(_Sakura-chan isn't a whore right? Please tell me SassKing over there manned up and asked you to be in a relationship and not just a _fuck_.)

Kudos, Sasubitch, you took off the skirt and traded it for some big boy pants! (ABOUT TIME.)

Btw, IT'S ALL SASUKE'S FAULT FOR BUTT DIALING ME DURING SEX. (Gonna spank him, Sakura-chan?)

THANKS FOR THE LOVELY MOANING, REALLY, I TOTALLY NEEDED TO HEAR ALL OF THAT.

ANYHOO, I took the liberty of recording it, for blackmail, and to send to the non-believers WHO WE WILL SHUN IF THEY DON'T BELIEVE MY PROOF.

Sakura-chan, If he hurts you, I'm going to hang his balls from a tree. SO CALL ME IF THAT DAY COMES. I'M SERIOUS.

…heh.

One last thing, AWW YOU LOVE HER. (Good, bitch.)

Oh. And I told everyone already. No need to thank me.

…

…

**4:15 PM**

**UchihaS **_to_** RamenIsJesus:**

You have an hour before I hunt you down and kill you slowly, then dismember your body, and feed it to rabid dogs.

No shit she's not just a fuck, Dobe.

I hope you get fucked up the ass by Sai.

…

…

**4:15 PM**

**Ten-10 **_to_**RamenIsJesus: **

AWWWW!

…

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**4:16 PM**

**QueenIno **_to_**RamenIsJesus: **

YES. Forehead finally GETS SOME.

…

…

**4:16 PM**

**HyuugaN **_to_**RamenIsJesus: **

Naruto,

You are aware that is a complete invasion of privacy and surely the people of Konoha have a better use of their time than listen to the pointless ramblings of a fool who is trying to gain attention from his friend's personal affairs?

Yours,

Neji

…

…

**4:16 PM**

**RamenisJesus**_ to _**Hyuuga N: **

Neji,

Go straighten your hair.

AND GROW A DICK WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

You're shaming the name of men everywhere; by the way you DEEP CONDITION EVERY OTHER NIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT I READ YOUR "ANNOYOMOUS" BLOG, WHAT OTHER** FREAK** WOULD MAKE A BLOG ABOUT "_PROPER HAIRCARE AND NUTRITIONAL MINERALS THAT HELP GET THE SLEEKEST HAIR POSSIBLE"_?

"YOURS" (EXCEPT NOT REALLY.)

Naruto

(Yes. I was mocking you.)

(…grow a dick. Don't bother trying with balls, you can only wish.)

…

…

**4:17 PM**

**YOSHLEE **_to_**RamenIsJesus: **

YOSH! Sakura-san and Uchiha-san are FLOUNCING IN THE MEADOW OF YOUTH! The springtime of YOUTH WILL NEVER DIE! The fire they have burning inside of them IS SO BRIGHT IT SHINES WITH YOUTH, INSPIRING THE YOUTHFUL PEOPLE OF KONOHA!

…

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**4:17 PM**

**RamenisJesus**_ to _**YOSHLEE: **

Lee, get some Ritalin. Kthxbai.

…

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**4:17 PM**

**BeMasked **_to_**RamenIsJesus, Pinkette, UchihaS: **

I have never been so proud of _all _three of you.

Use protection, my lovely pupils! If you need to borrow any of my books, let me know! Sasuke, meet me on the bridge tomorrow morning; I have some tips that will come in handy, Icha-Icha is _very_ detailed and firm on instructions!

…

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**4:18 PM**

**Blonde'n'Charge **_to_**RamenIsJesus: **

IF UCHIHA GETS SAKURA PREGNANT I WILL KILL HIM MYSELF.

…

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**4:18 PM**

**UchihaI **_to_** UchihaS, Pinkette, RamenIsJesus: **

_Aww_, little brother has a _girlfriend_!

Well, aren't you two just precious!

When can I meet her?

…

…

**4:18 PM**

**UchihaS**_ to_** UchihaI, Pinkette, RamenIsJesus:**

Never, you fucker.

Rot in hell.

Or raped by fan girls and get torn apart by rabid dogs.

…

…

**4:19 PM**

**Pinkette**_ to_** UchihaI, UchihaS, RamenIsJesus:**

Itachi-san,

Excuse your brother's rude behavior. I would love to meet you; we must set this up soon!

…

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**4:20 PM**

**UchihaS **_to _**Pinkette:**

Stop flirting with my brother, it's weird and annoying.

You aren't meeting him.

Meet me at my apartment when your shift ends.

-S

…love you.

…

…

**4:22 PM**

**UchihaS **_to _**Pinkette:**

…why did you not say it back?

…

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**4:23 PM**

**Pinkette **_to _**UchihaS:**

Whoops, sorry honey. Love you too.

…

…

**4:24 PM**

**RamenIsJesus to UchihaI:**

I'LL INTRODUCE YOU, ITACHI. :D

…

…

**4:26 PM**

**KarinIsACutay **_to _**RamenIsJesus, UchihaS, Pinkette:**

NARUTO IS LYING THERE'S NO WAY SASUKE-KUN WOULD EVER LOVE THAT PINK-HAIRED SLUT, SHE'S SUCH A BITCH, SASUKE-KUN IS MINE AND I'LL KICK ANYONE'S ASS TO PROVE IT!

Baby; I know she could never give you what I could...a long, rough night…

Love,

Karin

…

…

**4:26 PM**

**Pinkette **_to_ **KarinIsACutay, UchihaS, RamenIsJesus**:

BITCH, YOU WANNA GO? I'LL DESTROY YOU, YOU LITTLE WHORE! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, FRICKING JESUS CHRIST YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FIGURE AND YOU LOOK LIKE A TROLL OR SOME HIDEOUS DISFIGURED SEA CREATURE. AND YOU HAVE A FAT ASS. He's MINE. He even got me A PROMISE RING.

**RamenIsJesus, UchihaS, Pinkette;**

**BLOCK **_KarinIsACutay_

Yes/No

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**BLOCK **_KarinIsACutay_

**Yes**/No

**4:27 PM**

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**UchihaS**_ to_ **Pinkette:**

….Meet me at your apartment. Now.

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…

_**Fin.**_

**Like? Dislike? Questions?**

**Review~**


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